1. You may recall my ongoing feud with the copy machine at my office. Fortunately, there haven’t been anymore flames, other than the verbal kind I launch at it when it refuses to spit out a mere black & white 11×17 copy. However, it has developed a new and equally as irritating habit of jamming when I even get near it. How is that even possible? All I know is that twice in the last week, I’ve been walking by the copy machine when, somehow sensing my presence, the machine begins flashing the paper jam message. It’s taunting me.
2. Meanwhile, I’ve recently learned that one of the new, giant machines in the back of the newspaper office is a copier of enormous proportions. And it’s fast. 120 copies per second. If I can cause a regular copy machine to catch on fire, can you imagine what I can do with this machine? I’ve been trying to steer clear of the behemoth copier, but since it’s near my new desk (the desk furthest from the other copier, naturally) I have a hard time keeping my distance. I’m a little nervous, though, because if I somehow offend this new copier, or it senses my hostility towards a smaller member of its species, things could get ugly. I’m just saying that if you hear about a girl in Kansas being crushed under a rogue copy machine, or that a giant nuclear-sized copier-machine-induced explosion has made a crater out of the whole Midwest, you’ll know why.
3. Random note: I heard someone today talking about how they’d finally found a wine they liked. It wasn’t too dry and tasted much better than other wines. What is this miracle potion, you ask? Boone’s Farm. Yep, the $1.99 wine. Now, I’ll admit that the stuff isn’t awful, but calling Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill “wine” is like calling that processed cheese food “cheese.” It might look vaguely like its natural counterpart and taste somewhat similar, but it’s definitely not the same.